Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 46245 times)

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Offline AndyRCM

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Joke of the Day . . .
« on: October 14, 2008, 01:33:56 PM »
The Rabbit . . .

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
 
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'.  The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
 
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
 
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,  'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said  'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
 
'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin'-me-toasties'

 :'(
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline Amiga Man

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2008, 08:59:37 PM »
that was good joke  ;D

Offline combatking0

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2008, 09:29:41 PM »
A classic joke.

Did you hear about the village idiot who was a part time shoe maker and a part time fisherman?

He tried to make a pair of boots using freshly caught soles.
Retroman!

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2008, 09:49:03 AM »
How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Put it in a microwave until his bill withers.
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2008, 01:22:45 PM »
With age comes wisdom.

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick
me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man
said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will
be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd
rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline combatking0

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2008, 04:56:16 PM »
Which monster is always asking for directions?

A Where Wolf.
Retroman!

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2008, 02:31:28 PM »
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'


Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline Amiga Man

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2008, 03:28:12 PM »
That good one PhoenixTLB  ;D

Offline AndyT

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2008, 03:54:25 PM »
LOL ROFL *3  ;D
Andy
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Offline jimbob005

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2008, 06:11:01 PM »
i like the tax disk one


Sega went from 16bit to real life with the megaCD

Offline The Twins

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2008, 09:11:02 PM »
A cowboy walks into a german car showroom and says.................................
............................."Audi"!

 ;D

Offline combatking0

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2008, 10:51:27 AM »
How many elves does Santa need to wrap all of the presents?

It depends on how thin he can slice them.
Retroman!

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2008, 12:00:09 PM »
Another scouse joke:

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
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Offline The Twins

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2008, 01:58:53 PM »
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.


'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome ?'


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe ?'


'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

 ;D

Offline combatking0

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2008, 09:01:44 PM »
What do you call a polar bear in a read suit?

Santa Claws. 8)
Retroman!