Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 72114 times)

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Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #60 on: May 21, 2009, 08:23:54 AM »
A woman carrying a baby gets on the bus.

The bus driver turns round and says "My god that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen !"

The woman goes and sits on the back of the bus, annoyed and fuming like hell.

The chap sitting next to her asks what's wrong

The woman says "That bus driver is the rudest person I've ever met !"

The Chap says "Well why don't you go back up there and give hima  piece of your mind........I'll hold your monkey for you"  ;D

Offline woody.cool

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #61 on: May 21, 2009, 12:54:52 PM »
English Council Complaint Letters :)

These are genuine clips from English council complaint letters - so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23 This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #62 on: May 21, 2009, 01:05:01 PM »

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

I'm sure my wife said that the other day, perhaps I was dreaming  :P

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #63 on: May 21, 2009, 03:07:12 PM »
You wish?  :P  ;D  :o
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #64 on: May 21, 2009, 03:41:47 PM »
she did say that, but she was talking about me!   :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :o :o ;D

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #65 on: May 22, 2009, 12:46:36 PM »
How about cartoon of the day !  :P

Offline Quickswitch79

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #66 on: May 23, 2009, 08:47:33 PM »
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Offline The Twins

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #67 on: May 27, 2009, 07:26:02 PM »
thought you men would like this

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #68 on: May 29, 2009, 12:35:24 PM »
Another one I thought you'd like  :P

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #69 on: June 02, 2009, 09:41:50 AM »
Not so much jokes, but hey you get the picture  :P

 

> A backward poet writes inverse. 

> A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 

> Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 

> Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 

> Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 

> A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 

> A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

> Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 

> Sea captains don't like crew cuts. 

> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

> Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

> Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 

> When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 

> A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 

> What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) 

> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

> In democracy your vote counts, In feudalism your count votes. 

> She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 

> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

> If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 

> With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

> When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

> The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

> You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

> Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 

> He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 

> Every calendar's days are numbered. 

> A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. 

> A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

> He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

> A plateau is a high form of flattery. 

> A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at 
> large. 

> Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 

> Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. 

> Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

> Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

> Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

> Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

> Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat 
    

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #70 on: June 02, 2009, 09:53:12 AM »
ROFL - my sort of one-liners! ;)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #71 on: June 02, 2009, 09:56:12 AM »
Did you hear that Craig David is going to be helping out the Great Britan archery team?

He is going to be their bow selector.

Offline woody.cool

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #72 on: June 02, 2009, 11:31:05 AM »
Did you hear that Craig David is going to be helping out the Great Britan archery team?

He is going to be their bow selector.
LMFAO :D

Also found Panther's list of one liners superb.
My colleages are looking at me funny as I burst out laughing! ::)

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #73 on: June 04, 2009, 11:07:40 AM »
A variation on an old theme.....




INSTALLING HUSBAND?                                                                           
                                                                                             
                                                                                             
                                                                                             
 A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy                                               
                                                                                             
                                                                                             
 Dear Tech Support,                                                                           
                                                                                             
 Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in 
 the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which
 operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.                                                     
                                                                                             
 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as                   
 Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as     
 NEWS 5.0,   MONEY 3.0  and CRICKET 4.1.                                                     
                                                                                             
 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.           
                                                                                             
 Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.   
                                                                                             
 What can I do?                                                                               
                                                                                             
 Signed,                                                                                     
 ______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________       
 _________                                                                                   
                                                                                             
 Reply                                                                                       
                                                                                             
 DEAR  Madam,                                                                                 
                                                                                             
 First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an     
 operating system.                                                                           
                                                                                             
 Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not     
 forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.                                                     
 If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the         
 applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..                                                 
                                                                                             
 However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to     
 Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.                                                                     
 Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 
                                                                                             
 Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus   
 in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)         
                                                                                             
 In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are         
 unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.                                         
                                                                                             
 In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn
 new applications quickly.                                                                   
 You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.             
 We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Hot Looks 7.7.                                               
                                                                                             
 Good Luck Madam!                                                                             
                                                                                             

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #74 on: June 10, 2009, 08:18:02 AM »
Another take on an old joke, but still pretty good  ;)


A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."