RCM - RETRO COMPUTER MUSEUM

GENERAL => OFF TOPIC => Topic started by: AndyRCM on October 14, 2008, 01:33:56 PM

Title: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on October 14, 2008, 01:33:56 PM
The Rabbit . . .

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
 
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'.  The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
 
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
 
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,  'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said  'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
 
'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin'-me-toasties'

 :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Amiga Man on October 14, 2008, 08:59:37 PM
that was good joke  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on October 14, 2008, 09:29:41 PM
A classic joke.

Did you hear about the village idiot who was a part time shoe maker and a part time fisherman?

He tried to make a pair of boots using freshly caught soles.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on October 15, 2008, 09:49:03 AM
How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Put it in a microwave until his bill withers.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on October 29, 2008, 01:22:45 PM
With age comes wisdom.

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick
me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man
said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will
be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd
rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on October 31, 2008, 04:56:16 PM
Which monster is always asking for directions?

A Where Wolf.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on November 27, 2008, 02:31:28 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'


Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Amiga Man on November 27, 2008, 03:28:12 PM
That good one PhoenixTLB  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on November 27, 2008, 03:54:25 PM
LOL ROFL *3  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: jimbob005 on November 27, 2008, 06:11:01 PM
i like the tax disk one


Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on November 27, 2008, 09:11:02 PM
A cowboy walks into a german car showroom and says.................................
............................."Audi"!

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on November 28, 2008, 10:51:27 AM
How many elves does Santa need to wrap all of the presents?

It depends on how thin he can slice them.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on November 28, 2008, 12:00:09 PM
Another scouse joke:

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on November 28, 2008, 01:58:53 PM
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.


'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome ?'


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe ?'


'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on November 30, 2008, 09:01:44 PM
What do you call a polar bear in a read suit?

Santa Claws. 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on December 01, 2008, 08:42:08 PM
Snowman
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on December 01, 2008, 08:48:13 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore
his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient,
said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on December 01, 2008, 08:49:03 PM
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual
pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would
start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank'splace with
me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How
about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'
There was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting hisface up against the
centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a beer with me?
.
.
.
A little voice came out of the box:.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I heard you the first time !
 I'm putting my f^~+^`g shoes on
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on December 01, 2008, 08:53:25 PM
not a joke, but i thought you males would like this pic...............
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on December 18, 2008, 12:24:35 PM
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*****d," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 08, 2009, 11:13:22 AM
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on January 08, 2009, 11:04:25 PM
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Red paint! (Well, this joke makes my 5 year old laugh..)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 09, 2009, 10:29:22 AM
Two FONTS walk into a bar . . .

the barman says "get out - we dont want your TYPE in here!"

lol!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on January 09, 2009, 10:39:50 AM
Two FONTS walk into a bar . . .

the barman says "get out - we dont want your TYPE in here!"

lol!

Wonder where you heard that yesterday?!?!?!? Was it at about 1740ish on the radio... :-)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 09, 2009, 10:45:47 AM
No, one of my directors just came in and told it to me!

:)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on January 09, 2009, 11:29:55 AM
No, one of my directors just came in and told it to me!

:)

he heard it on the radio then! Guess its a funny joke in graphic design and printing... :-)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 09, 2009, 11:56:05 AM
Yeah, i just asked him and he did hear it yesterday on the radio!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on January 13, 2009, 01:59:13 PM
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our next anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of scales... And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have received disability allowance too.'
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rib-eye steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

---------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, ' Well your eyesight's near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream would.
And then the fight started....

--------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bum look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started......

---------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

----------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the trailer to the car, and proceeded to reverse out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ....

---------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------------------------- - - -

My wife and I are watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't work, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the car, e-mail, golf,  fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And that's when the fight started...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on January 13, 2009, 02:23:27 PM
@ PhoenixTLB: ROFLMFAO :D

I've just had my entire office looking at this with me and we've all been laughing out loud!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on January 14, 2009, 10:23:23 PM
I like these.....They will be doing the rounds at work tomorrow.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: muguk on January 15, 2009, 08:03:06 PM
Stop the press!

Ulrika Johnson has been removed from the Celebrity Big Brother house after falling on her mobile phone.






Mind you, it's not the first time she's had an Ericsson up her arse .. :)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on January 15, 2009, 08:11:38 PM
Stop the press!

Ulrika Johnson has been removed from the Celebrity Big Brother house after falling on her mobile phone.






Mind you, it's not the first time she's had an Ericsson up her arse .. :)
ROFL :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 15, 2009, 08:19:47 PM
Nice one MugUK!

;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on January 15, 2009, 11:04:08 PM
ROFL!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Shockwave on January 19, 2009, 01:49:43 PM
Nice one.  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on January 21, 2009, 12:59:33 PM
Al qaeda have decided to disarm and branch out into organising childrens parties and running dairy farms.

You cannot stop their milk from going off, and for an extra fee they will blow up the bouncy castle.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 21, 2009, 01:36:30 PM
 :P
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Scarlettkitten on January 21, 2009, 04:40:18 PM
Good one :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on January 30, 2009, 03:51:36 PM
Genuine sayings made by Sports Commentators:

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator:

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."



Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."



Murray Walker:

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."



Greg Norman:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."



Alan Minter:

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."



Terry Venables:

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"



Ron Atkinson:

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."



Harry ( Ho Ho ) Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977:

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."



Metro Radio:

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."



David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."


US TV Commentator:

"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...... Oh my God, what have I just said?"   
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on January 30, 2009, 03:54:46 PM
The Shortest Books Ever Written:
 
1,000 Years of German Humor
 
Everything Men Know About Women
 
The Legal Profession's Code of Ethics
 
Italian War Heroes

Who's Who in Spanish Sahara

Americans' Guide to Etiquette

The Royal Family's Guide to Successful Marriages

Safe Places to Travel in the USA

Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 30, 2009, 04:18:50 PM
:) Nice one Dave!

Hello Dave! Is Dave there?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on January 30, 2009, 09:38:36 PM
What did Paul McKenna say when he went to the opticians?

"Look into my eyes..."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 06, 2009, 03:13:12 PM
Funniest google search:

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on February 06, 2009, 03:40:06 PM
Now I know the I.T. tech team are experiencing cut backs.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvBiSW5QFKY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvBiSW5QFKY)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on February 06, 2009, 09:09:58 PM
That's even more useful than the parrot we've trained to tell callers to turn it off and back on again.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on February 11, 2009, 07:20:55 PM
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 03, 2009, 07:20:00 AM
Some funnies . . . or not?

I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits..
 
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one  punch.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me..
 
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her  appendix out!"

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
 
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."   

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?! 

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w@nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 03, 2009, 09:02:09 AM
LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on March 03, 2009, 11:28:06 AM
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits..
I love this one ... made me lol :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 03, 2009, 01:12:00 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'



The girl said, 'NO!'



And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 27, 2009, 11:22:47 AM
Andy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with £10 Notes. He guesses there must be thousands of pounds in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money...'

Andy certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the Andy gives him the £10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do...

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

Andy is stunned. 'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things.'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and the Veno has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think Andy surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Scarlettkitten on March 27, 2009, 11:50:13 AM
Now that's funny :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on March 27, 2009, 01:44:13 PM
Dave, that is the funniest thing I've heard in ages :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 27, 2009, 04:23:42 PM
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write to us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this fur coat, plus a savings account certificate for £50,000. Daddy, the spanking new convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club is for you. (takes a breath) ... and I wanted to invite all of you to spend New Year's Eve at my new house..."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?" the father interrupted.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 29, 2009, 07:16:02 PM
A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?"

The Hooker replies, "$200 for a hand-job." The guy's jaw drops: "$200 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money! I can get a handjob at home for $30"

The hooker says, "Honey, you're not at home, you're in Vegas. Do you see that gas station on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own it. And, I own it because I give a hand-job that's worth $200."

The Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $200. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $500?" The hooker replies, "$1,000."

"$1,000? No blow-job could be worth that."

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that restaurant beside my gas station? The fine-dining restaurant with all the cars in the lot? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,000."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into his winnings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see that big resort hotel with the casino behind my gas station and my restaurant? The one with the huge fountain out front?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own a hotel and a casino too?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but if I HAD a pussy, I would."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on April 30, 2009, 09:04:04 AM
CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS:

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.


DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.


HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.


SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,


DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.


AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.


MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.


SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.


HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


OLD telephone di rectories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.


SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.


SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.


OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.


CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.


WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.


MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.


MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.


SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.


WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on April 30, 2009, 09:17:32 AM
Nice one Dave! I needed that this morning. Our plate setter was down for two days and it is back up and running now! 100's of plates to make! :(
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Dave_Jones on May 01, 2009, 10:10:54 AM
Lenny Henry's performance as Shakespeare's Othello has apparently been very well received.  So much so, in fact, that a large proportion of those who have already seen it are intending to go again, possibly several times.  As one keen enthusiast put it, "...his performance is very more-ish".
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 21, 2009, 08:06:07 AM
Public complaints received by Travel agents
(Survey by  Thomas Cook and ABTA)



"I think it should be explained in the  brochure that the local store
does not sell proper biscuits like  custard creams or ginger nuts."



"It's lazy of the local  shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy  things during 'siesta' time - this should be
banned."



"On my  holiday to Goa in India , I was
disgusted to find that  almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like
spicy food at  all."



"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told  us we had to
bring our swimming costumes and towels."



A  tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole,  who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight  of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel
 "inadequate".






 


 


A woman threatened to  call police after claiming
that she'd been locked in by  staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the
"do not disturb"  sign on the back of the door as a warning to
remain in the  room.



"The beach was too sandy."



"We found the sand was  not like the sand in the brochure. Your
brochure shows the sand  as yellow but it was white."



A guest at a Novotel in Australia
 complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was  inadvertently
slurping the gravy at the time.



"Topless  sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined  as my husband spent all day looking at other women."



"We bought  'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader,  only to find out they were fake."



"No-one told us there would  be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

 

"It  took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only
 took the Americans three hours to get home."



"I compared  the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our
 friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly
 smaller."



"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the  accommodation'. We're
trainee hairdressers - will we be OK  staying here?"



"There are too many Spanish people. The  receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many  foreigners."



"We had to queue outside with no air  conditioning."



"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us  of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."



"I was bitten  by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."



"My fiancé and I  booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded  room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself  pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
 room that we  booked."

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on May 21, 2009, 08:19:03 AM
Classics! Can you really believe that people are that stupid?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on May 21, 2009, 08:23:54 AM
A woman carrying a baby gets on the bus.

The bus driver turns round and says "My god that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen !"

The woman goes and sits on the back of the bus, annoyed and fuming like hell.

The chap sitting next to her asks what's wrong

The woman says "That bus driver is the rudest person I've ever met !"

The Chap says "Well why don't you go back up there and give hima  piece of your mind........I'll hold your monkey for you"  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on May 21, 2009, 12:54:52 PM
English Council Complaint Letters :)

These are genuine clips from English council complaint letters - so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23 This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on May 21, 2009, 01:05:01 PM

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

I'm sure my wife said that the other day, perhaps I was dreaming  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on May 21, 2009, 03:07:12 PM
You wish?  :P  ;D  :o
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on May 21, 2009, 03:41:47 PM
she did say that, but she was talking about me!   :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :o :o ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on May 22, 2009, 12:46:36 PM
How about cartoon of the day !  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Quickswitch79 on May 23, 2009, 08:47:33 PM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on May 27, 2009, 07:26:02 PM
thought you men would like this
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on May 29, 2009, 12:35:24 PM
Another one I thought you'd like  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 02, 2009, 09:41:50 AM
Not so much jokes, but hey you get the picture  :P

 

> A backward poet writes inverse. 

> A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 

> Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 

> Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 

> Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 

> A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 

> A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

> Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 

> Sea captains don't like crew cuts. 

> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

> Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

> Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 

> When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 

> A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 

> What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) 

> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

> In democracy your vote counts, In feudalism your count votes. 

> She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 

> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

> If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 

> With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

> When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

> The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

> You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

> Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 

> He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 

> Every calendar's days are numbered. 

> A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. 

> A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

> He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

> A plateau is a high form of flattery. 

> A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at 
> large. 

> Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 

> Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. 

> Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

> Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

> Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

> Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

> Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat 
    
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on June 02, 2009, 09:53:12 AM
ROFL - my sort of one-liners! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on June 02, 2009, 09:56:12 AM
Did you hear that Craig David is going to be helping out the Great Britan archery team?

He is going to be their bow selector.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on June 02, 2009, 11:31:05 AM
Did you hear that Craig David is going to be helping out the Great Britan archery team?

He is going to be their bow selector.
LMFAO :D

Also found Panther's list of one liners superb.
My colleages are looking at me funny as I burst out laughing! ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 04, 2009, 11:07:40 AM
A variation on an old theme.....




INSTALLING HUSBAND?                                                                           
                                                                                             
                                                                                             
                                                                                             
 A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy                                               
                                                                                             
                                                                                             
 Dear Tech Support,                                                                           
                                                                                             
 Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in 
 the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which
 operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.                                                     
                                                                                             
 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as                   
 Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as     
 NEWS 5.0,   MONEY 3.0  and CRICKET 4.1.                                                     
                                                                                             
 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.           
                                                                                             
 Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.   
                                                                                             
 What can I do?                                                                               
                                                                                             
 Signed,                                                                                     
 ______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________       
 _________                                                                                   
                                                                                             
 Reply                                                                                       
                                                                                             
 DEAR  Madam,                                                                                 
                                                                                             
 First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an     
 operating system.                                                                           
                                                                                             
 Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not     
 forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.                                                     
 If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the         
 applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..                                                 
                                                                                             
 However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to     
 Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.                                                                     
 Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 
                                                                                             
 Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus   
 in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)         
                                                                                             
 In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are         
 unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.                                         
                                                                                             
 In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn
 new applications quickly.                                                                   
 You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.             
 We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Hot Looks 7.7.                                               
                                                                                             
 Good Luck Madam!                                                                             
                                                                                             
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 10, 2009, 08:18:02 AM
Another take on an old joke, but still pretty good  ;)


A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 10, 2009, 08:20:14 AM
Very apt I thought


COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on June 11, 2009, 12:16:56 PM

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients to operate on were.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you s hould try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arshole and they are interchangeable'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 19, 2009, 12:48:04 PM
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring ?

He thought he'd stick it out for another year !
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 19, 2009, 12:49:13 PM
How do you find out if your girlfriend is ticklish ?

Give her a couple of test-tickles  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 19, 2009, 12:53:41 PM
A very beautiful woman enters the doctors surgery, the doctor immediately asks her to undress

He starts to stroke her thigh and asks "What am I doing now ?"

"Checking for scratches on my skin" the woman replies.

"Quite right" the doctors says before proceeding to caress her breasts. "What am I doing now" he asks

"Checking for lumps" the woman answers

"Quite right" he says before starting to make mad passionate love to her, "And what am I doing know" he asks.

"Getting a dose of herpes" she answers "Which is why I came here in the first place !"  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on June 24, 2009, 11:48:49 AM
Subject: 12 of the finest double-entendres aired on British TV

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

ROFL!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on June 24, 2009, 11:51:49 AM
And another one . . .

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
 
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked
 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on June 26, 2009, 08:38:10 AM
Apologies to the Michael Jackson fans...

Verdict from the autopsy of Michael Jacson....

Exposure to sunshine, moonlight and good times ruled out: now coroners say cause of death was 'boogie'.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 28, 2009, 01:58:19 AM
I've heard that they were melting him down to makes kids toys.....



......so that they could play with him for a change !!!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on July 20, 2009, 08:03:44 AM
Killer biscuits . . .
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on July 20, 2009, 08:37:03 AM
LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on July 20, 2009, 08:08:43 PM
Nice one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on July 21, 2009, 07:20:23 AM
The Answer Is . . .

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:  Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ??? MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle:  I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
=Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:  What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... .
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

:)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on July 21, 2009, 11:40:15 AM
Oh dear
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on August 11, 2009, 08:30:56 AM
A link for today's joke . . .

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

you do need sound for this one . . .

Andy
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on August 11, 2009, 08:35:50 AM
That's pretty clever  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on August 11, 2009, 09:49:19 PM
 ;D Brilliant word-play. Eric and Ernie would be proud.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on August 14, 2009, 11:10:47 AM
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.


"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.


"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on August 14, 2009, 11:12:36 AM
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on August 28, 2009, 06:00:31 PM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.  Shoulda bought a hat.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on September 01, 2009, 08:59:56 PM
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging
a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked
on the door.
 When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what
 he wanted.
 He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have
the
 money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
 The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
 Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
 He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
 Of course the Madam said 'No'.
 The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get
 shots  after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
 Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
 it,
 the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
 He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
 Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
 the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

 He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
 parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
 baby-sitter.
 After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
 She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
 On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the
 disease.
 Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go
 to
 bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
 In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
 milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
 prick who ran over my FROG!'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on September 01, 2009, 09:09:15 PM
Clever kid, but the baby-sitter should go to jail for liking cute little boys.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on September 03, 2009, 10:06:14 PM
What happens if you sleep with your head under the pillow?

The tooth fairy removes all of your teeth.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: The Twins on September 26, 2009, 10:40:34 PM
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
> During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..
>
>
> I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
> The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
>
> 54 times the sheets were clean
> 17 times it was too late
> 49 times you were too tired
> 20 times it was too hot
> 15 times you pretended to be asleep
> 22 times you had a headache
> 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
> 16 times you said you were too sore
> 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
> 19 times you had to get up early
> 9 times you said weren't in the mood
> 7 times you were sunburned
> 6 times you were watching the late show
> 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
> 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
> 9 times you said your mother would hear us
>
> Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
> 6 times you just laid there
> 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
> 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
> 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
> 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
>
> KEEP READING.......
> TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
>
> I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
> didn't get more than you did:
>
> 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
> 36 times you did not come home at all
> 21 times you didn't cum
> 33 times you came too soon
> 19 times you went soft before you got in
> 38 times you worked too late
> 10 times you got cramps in your toes
> 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
> 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
> 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
> 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
> 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
> 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
> 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
> 98 times you were too busy watching TV
>
> Of the times we did get together:
>
> The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
> I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
> 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'
> The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
>
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on September 27, 2009, 10:58:22 PM
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A two-thirds majority.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on October 09, 2009, 09:12:00 AM
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
 
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on October 26, 2009, 02:34:57 PM
Stupid  question, excellent  response!

For those  that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

 
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently...   
 
Read his  reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns  and children.   
 
Regardless  of how you feel about gun laws you have  to love this! This is one of the best comeback  lines of all  time.
 
In  a portion of an ABC radio interview between a  female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was  about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his  military Headquarters.   

 
FEMALE  INTERVIEWER:
So,  General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach  these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL  COSGROVE:
We're  going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and  shooting.
 
FEMALE  INTERVIEWER:
Shooting!  That's a bit irresponsible, isn't  it?

GENERAL  COSGROVE:
I don't see  why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle  range.

FEMALE  INTERVIEWER:
Don't  you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity  to be teaching children?

GENERAL  COSGROVE:
I don't see  how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a  firearm.
 
FEMALE  INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL  COSGROVE:
Well,  Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but  you're not one, are you?

The  radiocast went  silent for 46 seconds and  when  it returned, this interview was  over.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Phu on October 26, 2009, 02:51:03 PM
Always amusing, but sadly an urban legend:

http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

-- Richard
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on October 26, 2009, 02:53:18 PM
Yeah - thought as much - I was sure I had heard it before but different names! :)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on October 31, 2009, 12:12:38 AM
Subject: FW: VERY SERIOUS NEW FLU INFORMATION. PLEASE READ!!

The next pandemic



I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed
copious amounts of alcohol.


I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as
flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.


From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested
positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not
an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed
with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned
tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a
lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD
and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that
has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are
reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not,
then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities
to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can
be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated
into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in women and can quickly
spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious
case of eye-rolling.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on October 31, 2009, 09:18:12 AM
Like it  ;D

Not sure if i should show the wife though?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Blackpanther on November 09, 2009, 10:44:57 PM
Was sent this today

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just after eight. The got off at Quality Street, infront of The Fishermans Friend Pub. He asked her name, "polo, I'm the one with a Hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said! Then he touched her cream eggs. They checked into a hotel,  he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment as she let out a cream of Turkish Delight! Sadly three days later his sherbet mountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on November 10, 2009, 10:06:16 AM
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just after eight. The got off at Quality Street, infront of The Fishermans Friend Pub. He asked her name, "polo, I'm the one with a Hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said! Then he touched her cream eggs. They checked into a hotel,  he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment as she let out a cream of Turkish Delight! Sadly three days later his sherbet mountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.
:D LMAO
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on November 13, 2009, 09:10:29 AM
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her file and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.
Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,- but you're going to have to go to Glasgow ."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

ROFL! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on November 13, 2009, 12:51:30 PM
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.

He looks her up and down and says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by the your appearance that you'll be able to pay for it."

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything smaller?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on November 18, 2009, 03:17:57 PM
As a Quality Manager I found this quite amusing  :)


A timeless lesson on how Quality Assurance/Quality Control can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Quality Control to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That QA firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on December 14, 2009, 09:03:44 AM
This is a genuine complaint to Greenock Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
 

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
 
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Greenock, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
 
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie Road in Gourock.
 
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
 
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
 
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
 
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
 
I remain your obedient servant
???????
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Mr ??????,
 
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
 
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
 
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
 
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
 
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
 
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
 
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?
 
The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
 
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.
 
Regards
?????????
 
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: sirmorris on December 14, 2009, 12:46:43 PM
Q:  What's black, white, and red all over?


A: A self-harming nun.
 

:o


Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on December 14, 2009, 01:07:10 PM
or . . . a sunburnt penguin . . .
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: sirmorris on December 14, 2009, 04:09:34 PM
one of the above is likely to elicit nods and vague 'umm-hmm's at the Christmas day dinner tale. Another is likely to finish with great aunt Mary choking on her sprouts.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on December 18, 2009, 08:37:09 AM
Jamaican Motorcycle Accident Rate Study

Please, No heart attacks..

The Jamaican government did a study with tax dollars to see why there are so many deadly motorcycle accidents in Jamaica.

I think you'd be surprised at the results. Scroll down to the bottom.

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on December 23, 2009, 04:16:25 PM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
 

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
 

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
 
 

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
 

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: resident paul on December 23, 2009, 08:49:03 PM
How many handyman does it take to fix a light.
Just one but he has to be very bright!

But as lazy tailor would say 'suit yourself!'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on January 04, 2010, 04:53:49 PM
Not quite a joke....but good :)

Watch up to the credits though....

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20 (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on January 27, 2010, 11:19:06 PM
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.  I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:  "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:            "Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

 
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on January 28, 2010, 08:51:46 AM
Love that one matey! PML!
Although are people really that stupid? . . .
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on January 28, 2010, 08:55:38 AM
Love that one matey! PML!
Although are people really that stupid? . . .
unfortunately yes :o
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on January 28, 2010, 09:06:10 AM

Although are people really that stupid? . . .
Definately !!!!  :o
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Phu on January 28, 2010, 09:11:33 AM
Though sadly, this one is an urban legend:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp

There is an element of truth to it (see the usenet link in the page above).

-- Richard
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on January 28, 2010, 09:20:42 AM
True or not, it is a joke, and a funny one imo.
And people are that stupid, just check out the darwin awards :o
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 08, 2010, 11:17:32 AM
Motor mechanic strips an engine out, taking the head off doing the valves and pistons and puts it all back together, he sees a famous cardiologist in the garage and says come and have a look a this Doc.

"I've stipped out the engine and done the valves and pistons, put it all back together and it works like new.
how come I only £17000 a year and you get £100,000 for doing basically the same thing?"

Cardiologist said "Try doing it with the engine running."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 08, 2010, 11:18:08 AM
Wife says " what are you doing today
Me "Nothing"
Wife " You did that yesterday"
Me " I did'nt finish it"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 08, 2010, 11:18:34 AM
Doctor to wife " your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder,If you dont do the following he will surely die.Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast, and be pleasant at all times, make lunch extremly nutrictious and with lovely steaks. Also make love a least 4 times a week. If you do this for the next four months he will live.
 
Husband to wife: want did the doctor say.
Wife: You are going to die.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 08, 2010, 11:21:23 AM
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and the weekends playing golf.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on February 08, 2010, 02:04:18 PM
ROFLMFAO :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on February 10, 2010, 01:20:48 PM
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
> >
> > And every year Buddy would say,
> >
> > 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
> >
> > Edna always replied,
> >
> > 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks
> > is fifty bucks'
> >
> > One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
> >
> > 'Edna, I'm 85 years old.
> >
> > If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
> >
> > To this, Edna replied,
> >
> > "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty
> > bucks'
> >
> >
> > The pilot overheard the couple and said,
> >
> > 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
> > can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge
> > you a penny!
> > But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
> >
> > Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
> >
> > The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
> >
> > He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
> >
> > But still not a word...
> >
> >
> > When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
> >
> > 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
> > didn't.
> > I'm impressed!'
> >
> > Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
> > when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 11, 2010, 08:33:52 AM
Where is the rake? (http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on February 11, 2010, 09:00:46 AM
PML! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 11, 2010, 09:33:46 AM
(http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/backup.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on February 11, 2010, 09:35:58 AM
LOL! - keep 'em coming guys! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 11, 2010, 09:49:49 AM
Extensive use of the 'F' word, so best not played when kiddies are around  ;)

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/english.swf (http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/english.swf)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 11, 2010, 09:52:07 AM
Looks about right  ;D

(http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/software-project.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 11, 2010, 09:53:16 AM
Why you should never leave kids alone  :)

(http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/yapyap2.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on February 11, 2010, 10:03:32 AM
Some good stuff there mate! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on February 11, 2010, 10:14:02 AM
I like these
(http://www.smwa.net/downloads/felicia_1919a4k_02.jpg)

(http://www.smwa.net/downloads/girls-are-evil.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on February 11, 2010, 10:22:39 AM
and I love this
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/whackboss.swf
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 11, 2010, 10:24:00 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a bloke carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the rifle sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 11, 2010, 10:53:35 AM
Very Good PheonixTLB  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on February 11, 2010, 06:04:55 PM
:) Nice! :)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 12, 2010, 03:37:37 PM
A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

St Brian's Church of England School, near Grantham, was faced with having to ban children from exchanging cards in case the mutant offspring of local poor people took offence and set fire to the building.

Headmistress Mary Fisher said: "I'd say about half of our children are too ugly to get a Valentine's Card.

"In fact four of them are so ugly they don't even get Christmas presents, while one of them, known simply as regurgitator, is kept in a dog crate and taken round local villages at harvest time. People pay 20p to feed it a parsnip.

"Anyway, that leaves 62 children that we have deemed attractive enough not to be disappointed, though we have asked three of the girls to do something a bit different with their hair."

The dangerous lesbian added: "I didn't want to be one of those moronic headteachers who bans Valentine's Day and ends up being branded as 'Britain's most dangerous lesbian' by the Daily Mail.

"But at the same time I did not want to be standing in the middle of a smouldering ruin surrounded by angry mutants.

"At least this way my good looking pupils get some quality time together and the freaks get a long weekend of chasing chickens around the farmyard, sitting in the dark and rubbing fecal matter into their hair."

Mrs Fisher stressed she did not want to stigmatise the malformed children, insisting they had no control over which itinerant farm labourer their mother gave it up to in a pub toilet.

She said: "They can be absolutely lovely as long as you don't let them see how disturbed you are by their wonky features, or allow them to see the sun.

"Yes, it is a shame but I've learned to cope with it," and they all lived happily ever after.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 24, 2010, 09:03:43 AM
Irish Virginity Test Kit


Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and  asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still  a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all  Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself....  Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue  paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do  with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb  into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and  the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did  see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on February 24, 2010, 12:37:28 PM
Parental Advisory ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4&feature=player_embedded#
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on February 24, 2010, 12:50:00 PM
Mike - superb mate - absolutely superb! PML at that one! Very very worthwhile a listen!

A
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: muguk on February 24, 2010, 07:00:24 PM
My recently cooked tea just nearly ended up over my monitor through laughing so much at that one 1200XL :)

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Blackpanther on February 24, 2010, 07:08:00 PM
So funny.....Nearly 80Million people have watched that!  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on February 24, 2010, 11:23:02 PM
glad you like it, one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on February 25, 2010, 08:17:27 AM
Well funny  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 02, 2010, 08:06:33 AM
Cabin crew
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty
flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto:
 " We love to fly and it shows ".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
 "Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto:
 "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says;
 " What the f**k do you want ?"

"Ah!"
he says , sitting back with a smile on his face, " Ryanair "
 
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on March 02, 2010, 10:28:56 AM
Very good!  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 02, 2010, 12:46:49 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 02, 2010, 12:47:05 PM
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 02, 2010, 12:48:16 PM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 02, 2010, 12:51:02 PM
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F**k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 02, 2010, 01:01:05 PM
PML! Nice one Stu! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 02, 2010, 01:04:49 PM
And one for Andy  ;D


Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a Blue Ray drive and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Phu on March 02, 2010, 11:23:37 PM
I'm posting this here because its a link to a stand-up comedian, but this is *VERY NSFW*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ee4wqZvf8&NR=1

AndyRCM, this should give you some ideas.... ;)

-- Richard
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 03, 2010, 07:45:29 AM
Piss Funny! Nice find Richard! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 03, 2010, 05:39:10 PM
LOL nice one Richard.

---------------------


Strangest lawsuit ever?


Tue Apr 21 01:28PM .

Editors corner

I see a lot of strange news stories in this job and this one, which was featured recently in a German newspaper, is up there with the strangest.
A judge in Stuttgart, Germany, is currently trying to decide on a lawsuit in which a man hired his neighbour to impregnate his wife.

It gets weirder.

Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, were very keen to have a child together, but Demetrius was sterile so they began to seek out other possible options.

The option the couple eventually decided on was to hire their neighbour Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate Traute.

Maus, who was already married with two children agreed to do the job for the fee of €2,000. For three evenings a week for the next six months, a total of 72 different times, Maus tried to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, Maus explained that he was "only doing it for the money."

After the unsuccessful six-month period Soupolos insisted that Maus take a medical examination. The doctor concluded that Maus was also sterile, which forced his wife into admitting that their two children did not belong to him.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 09, 2010, 12:02:46 PM
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and
caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying:
'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God replies 'We are over our quota on travellers. Go back out to the
Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most
worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the Gates'.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 09, 2010, 12:05:00 PM
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"!
"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast"

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 09, 2010, 03:13:35 PM
Australian Police Entrance Test
An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six
drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

 "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on March 13, 2010, 08:50:09 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.   
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.. 
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
 
   
The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 16, 2010, 12:11:25 PM
All done with £100.00


It's a slow day in a little West Yorkshire town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the
motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 18, 2010, 07:47:34 AM
Catholic school

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working . . .

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
 
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
 
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
 
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Apologies if this offends any Catholics though . . . Not harm meant.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 18, 2010, 07:51:11 AM
A couple of good images . . .
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: StarshipUK on March 18, 2010, 01:10:34 PM
An elderly Potato Farmer wrote to his only son, who had been recently sent away to prison.

"Dear Son,

You're a bad boy leaving your poor old Dad alone like this...It's St. Patrick's Day and time to get planting the taters! Who's going to spade up the field so I can plant the crop? Leprechauns? You know my poor old back isn't up to it...."

Two days later, the Potato Farmer received a reply:

"Dear Dad,

For HEAVEN's SAKE, don't dig up that tater field! That's where we buried the GUNS!!!"

The next morning, three truckloads of British soldiers arrived and proceeded to dig up the entire field. They dug for two days solid, but they didn't find any guns and eventually left. The Potato Farmer wrote to his son to tell him what happened and asked him what to do next. A couple of days later he received a reply.

"Dear Dad,

Your tater field is spaded! Plant the taters!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on March 18, 2010, 11:50:14 PM
Couple of one liners....

Alcohol was my old man's answer to everything. He didn't drink - he was just useless at quizzes.

I always keep my eyes shut when sat on the train. I hate to see old ladies standing.

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on March 22, 2010, 10:42:06 PM
We've all heard of smart water....but what about dumb water  ???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN-PoetFwUg&NR=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN-PoetFwUg&NR=1)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on March 24, 2010, 01:20:01 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

 :P
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on April 07, 2010, 02:05:52 PM
For all those people that hate the Go Compare adverts:

Go Compare meets Jimmy Carr (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Euh9zWmASN4&feature=pyv&ad=4575825531&kw=gocompare%20youtube&gclid=COWktaXS9KACFQhBlAodWBaPtg)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on April 09, 2010, 10:08:58 AM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally
time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a
long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided
it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on May 04, 2010, 09:44:57 AM
Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night,! He hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on May 04, 2010, 01:17:56 PM
That's quite an old one tbh, but it's still funny regardless.
That joke always pops out near an election!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 04, 2010, 01:51:16 PM
Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

-----------

David Cameron lives in Notting Hill which causes him problems at the festival every year. There are so many band wagons he doesn’t know which one to jump on.

-----------

Who was the first Liberal Democrat?
Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left there not knowing where he’d been and did it all on borrowed money.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 04, 2010, 01:54:07 PM
When we were an empire we were ruled by an emperor, when we were a kingdom we were ruled by a king. Now we’re just a country we’re ruled by Gordon Brown
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 14, 2010, 08:10:53 AM
*Subject: Trafalgar revisited*
 
The Battle of Trafalgar, 2010:
 
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
 
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
 
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious, persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
 
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
 
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
 
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
 
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.......full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
 
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
 
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
 
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet Regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
 
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
 
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
 
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
 
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
 
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
 
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
 
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
 
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
 
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on Disciplinary Report."
 
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now please put on your Kevlar vest; it's the Rules. It could save your life"
 
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
 
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
 
Nelson: "In that case................. kiss me, Hardy."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 25, 2010, 08:11:12 AM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 26, 2010, 01:20:11 PM
Next time it rains heavy and your driving, pray this doesn't happen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PhQ5gkNiqI&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on May 26, 2010, 01:29:43 PM
Holy shit! WTF???

A
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on May 26, 2010, 02:10:20 PM
ooops !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBz7PG5fOq0&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBz7PG5fOq0&feature=related)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on May 26, 2010, 03:00:47 PM
doh!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lze88sU9IGg
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on May 26, 2010, 03:14:33 PM
I see on the news today that the lorry driver got to keep his license due to the fact 'he couldn't see or hear' the car in front of him!  :o
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on May 26, 2010, 10:59:40 PM
I see on the news today that the lorry driver got to keep his license due to the fact 'he couldn't see or hear' the car in front of him!  :o
I heard that too, that's why I searched for the video.
So if I drive without looking, turn my stereo up I can get away with anything ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Womble on May 27, 2010, 04:58:54 AM
Audio rather unsuitable for kids, headphones required if at work too m'f*cker!!

Everyday Normal Guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw

but wait.... theres more...

He's back... and he's mildly upset!!

Everyday Normal Guy #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmG4X9PGOXs
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on May 27, 2010, 01:23:53 PM
Audio rather unsuitable for kids, headphones required if at work too m'f*cker!!

Everyday Normal Guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw

but wait.... theres more...

He's back... and he's mildly upset!!

Everyday Normal Guy #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmG4X9PGOXs

Excellent....he's as entertaining as an S.T.D.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on June 25, 2010, 08:02:26 AM
DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Lincolnshire.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer Peter replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Lincolnshire.  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.  I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. 
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.' 

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up.  You can have the duck.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: muguk on June 25, 2010, 12:41:27 PM
Got bombarded last night with jokes on my phone and passed on a few of them, but this was the (cleanest) and most apt for the forum :)

"I was watching TV last night with the missus when that bloke who runs Apple turned up, looked around and took all our cans of Mr Sheen.

Bloody Jobs, coming over here and taking all of our polish." :)

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on June 25, 2010, 12:59:47 PM
lol ^^
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on June 25, 2010, 02:11:35 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on June 29, 2010, 08:09:34 AM
Irish interview technique
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in  Dublin .  A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." 
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being  Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." 
Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'  You put down, ‘Neither do I’.
 
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: woody.cool on June 30, 2010, 03:21:34 PM
Irish interview technique
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in  Dublin .  A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." 
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being  Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." 
Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'  You put down, ‘Neither do I’.
 
;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on July 01, 2010, 12:56:00 PM
Fabio Capello has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try to cheer the fans up.

If we beat them, we go on to play Tesco's, Asda and then Sainsburys. ;0)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on July 07, 2010, 03:49:45 PM
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on July 19, 2010, 01:39:21 PM
Not really a joke of the day but something piss funny nonetheless . . . some lines from 'allo 'allo by Officer Crabtree . . .

Officer Crabtree: Dearly belivid. We are gathered here todoo to join this min and this woman in holy mitrimony.

Officer Crabtree: We will goo oot the bock wee.

Officer Crabtree: This is rosky in day light. Can you not wait until it is dick?

Officer Crabtree: Then they will be taken to the arbour where a small boot will be waiting by the dis-used dick.

Officer Crabtree: A pissy up a tree?

Officer Crabtree: Do not wirry, Ronnie...

Officer Crabtree: I'm half Itolioen. I'm from Niples.

Officer Crabtree: See Niples and do.

;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on July 27, 2010, 08:13:23 AM
One borrowed from CombatKing . . .

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all in a bar when they spot a poster for a fancy dress charity party. After much discussion, they decide to go as classical composers.
Stallone declares "I'll go as Mozart."
Van Damme explains "I know a guy with a Beethoven costume - I'll borrow it."
Finally Schwarzenegger reveals "I'll be Bach."

doh! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on August 13, 2010, 11:33:28 PM
One for the web developers...

How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb, lightbulb, light, bulb, lamp, lighting, switch, sex, xxx, hardcore?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on August 16, 2010, 09:39:05 AM
An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
 
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T.' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a football term.

A
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Phu on August 16, 2010, 08:08:23 PM
Two false etymologies in as many days....

Sorry to burst your bubble there Andy, but wikipedia disagrees, with credible alternatives:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit#Etymology

I was also told recently (indirectly from an episode of Countdown, no less) that a certain word is an acronym for "Fornicating Under Command of the King".

Wikipedia again comes up trumps:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/f$%!#Etymology

Also, GOLF did not originate from "Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden" and POSH does not come from "Port Out, Starboard Home".

Quite a few of these are floating around the net, most of which seem to have come about in the 20th century... several hundreds of years after the words themselves ;)

-- Richard

* Uh yeah... you may need to correct the forum's swear filter in those URLs ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on August 18, 2010, 11:17:02 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on August 23, 2010, 04:28:41 PM
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show . . .
. . .that Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

OMFG! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on August 24, 2010, 12:05:11 PM
some classic blackadder quotes . . . .

http://www.suslik.org/Humour/FilmOrTV/BlackAdder/misc.html
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on August 24, 2010, 01:09:15 PM
Duff walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.

He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Duff hands over the keys and documents of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Duff for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.

The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, Duff returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.

The bank officer says to Duff , "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled... while you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Duff replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return!”

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman... This is why they survive!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on September 14, 2010, 01:06:01 AM
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here is your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says.
"Dat's easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough." says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.
"Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree...
"Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So it's dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to have to hire Paddy , so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
"Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt.
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog came along and pooped by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on September 14, 2010, 09:21:44 AM
Whilst watching the world cup, i was always shouting things like,

'Rooney, you fat git - You couldn't score in a brothel'

Just how stupid do i feel now  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on September 17, 2010, 08:13:16 AM
The Jewish Samurai
 
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new
chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the
entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
 
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very
demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and
a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese
samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh!
went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor
then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come
in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese
samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into
four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
 
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish
Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing
sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying
around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious,
but why is that gnat not dead?"
 
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not
meant to kill."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on September 20, 2010, 09:59:04 AM
English  Signs from around the World


In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a   Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving  Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules  and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo  bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on September 24, 2010, 11:14:06 AM
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
 
 
 
Banned from the petting zoo.

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on September 27, 2010, 04:05:38 PM
If only, eh?

Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on September 27, 2010, 04:09:23 PM
If only, eh?



Nice one! :)
A
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on October 05, 2010, 11:35:41 PM
Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTHn5oFPmi8&feature=grec_index (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTHn5oFPmi8&feature=grec_index)

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on October 07, 2010, 05:49:58 PM
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman working on building site. Every day they take lunch break together while sitting on a high scaffold.

One day Englishman says, "I'm fed up of the same boring sandwi...ches everyday. I'm going to tell my wife that if I don't have something different I will go mad." Scotsman says, "Me too. In fact, if I have the same old crap in my lunchbox tomorrow, I will jump off this scaffold. I've had enough." Englishman and Irishman agree and they make a pact.

Next day, Englishman and Scotsman look in their lunchboxes and Englishman has a nice salad and Scotsman has cous cous. Irishman opens his lunchbox, pulls out a limp-looking sandwich and promptly throws himself to his death.

At the funeral, his wife is inconsolable, and the other wives tell her about how their husbands came and explained their frustration. Irishman's wife says, "Oh, if only he had said something. Everything seemed normal; he just got up, made his lunch and went to work".
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: comicbooknerd on October 10, 2010, 07:06:29 PM
Did I post the alzhemiers joke already?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Andy on October 10, 2010, 09:53:44 PM
Did I post the alzhemiers joke already?

Yeah, i think so. Or maybe not. I forget...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on October 19, 2010, 09:05:34 AM
Say it all really::
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won
the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well,he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's
the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting
out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but
7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life,
and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe
we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're
knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the
week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it
flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first
minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I
remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even
though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously
my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know
into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be
more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on October 27, 2010, 02:13:04 PM
Geek test:
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Scarlettkitten on October 27, 2010, 02:24:08 PM
Sorry but I failed that test ;D I just saw a bum.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: 1200xl on October 27, 2010, 04:02:36 PM
nice arse, I can tell my wife that I am NOT a geek  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on November 05, 2010, 09:08:09 AM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgowcopper.  He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain he has a better education than any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
 
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
 
London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law.  License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference betweenslow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket.

 
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out ofthe lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on November 05, 2010, 09:12:44 AM
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
so he
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin,
the only
aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the
party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and
 flirting..

At the
height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft
man-eating
crocodile in my
pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to
jump in.'

The words
were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned
around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc.

He was
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.

The water
was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the
croc were
screaming and raising hell..

Finally
Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead
goldfish.










Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.


The host
says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all
right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.


The rich man
said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet.   How about half a
million bucks then?'

'No thanks.
I don't want it,' answered Colin.


The host
said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was
amazing.   How
about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said
"No."

Confused,
the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you
want?

Colin
said,



'I just want
the bastard who pushed me in.' !
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on November 05, 2010, 09:16:45 AM
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning


My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, youwill understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on November 05, 2010, 09:17:21 AM
A Mother and Son in the bath when suddenly the son says whats that hairy thing under the water mam , she turns to her son and says its a sponge sweetheart , the son looks up and says mam the nanny as one aswell as i saw her washing daddys face with it last week ......
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on November 08, 2010, 08:50:09 AM
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 
  "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
 
  Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
 
  Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
  Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 
  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 
  Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
  bloody thing up.
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
  Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
  contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
  "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
  "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
 
 
  Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
  avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 
  A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
 
  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 
  Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
  about!"
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
  An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
 
  His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
 
  He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
  "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
  "Here boy" he replies.
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
  Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
  feet.
 
  "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
 
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
 
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".
 
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 
To which the Irishman replies:  "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on January 05, 2011, 09:48:05 AM
How many sluts live in a convent?

Nun!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on January 14, 2011, 11:01:33 AM
Did someone mention the Cricket ??

Why is there a wine glut in Australia?  Because we don't have any openers.   
                       
What do you call an Australian that can handle a bat?   A Vet.

WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?  A laughing  stock.       
                   
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?  A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?  Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.''  Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

What's the height of optimism?  An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?  To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.  His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?  Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
 
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. 

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?  The entire Australian innings. 

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without even trying.
 
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?  A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?  A vacant lot. 

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?  They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on January 25, 2011, 09:58:07 AM
The insurance side of sex.......

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with long-term partner- Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary- Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone- Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer- Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry- Insure & Go.

Casual sex with different partners- Go Compare.

Sex with a ladyboy- Confused.com!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: combatking0 on January 25, 2011, 12:56:02 PM
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the barman says:

"Weren't you in here just a few minutes ago?"

To which Parker replies:

"Nay."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 22, 2011, 02:18:32 PM
SEX STARVED

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on February 22, 2011, 02:24:38 PM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on March 29, 2011, 08:54:19 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on April 18, 2011, 11:44:05 AM
I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over the microphone cable and yelled "F-ck Me"...... What happened next will haunt me forever.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: PhoenixTLB on April 18, 2011, 03:55:20 PM
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Womble on May 02, 2011, 12:58:53 PM
Elton John confirmed to sing at Osama's funeral, he will be singing "Sandals In The Bin"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on June 09, 2011, 12:01:20 AM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick, Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great
I be at work soon ....... You got nice house."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Scarlettkitten on July 24, 2011, 12:21:55 AM
i was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my gf moved backwards then forwards, backwards then forwards, back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush. she started to grunt and groan...then she let out an almighty scream !!!!!...........
.....
.....
you park the feckin car then ya smug bas***d !!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: AndyRCM on October 12, 2011, 08:58:34 AM
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to release some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

:p)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: billdooruk on April 27, 2012, 07:19:53 AM
As it's been a while since anyone posted in this.....

This is a Russian text with the title "what would have been if people drove the cars the way they work with computers". Sorry if there are translation mistakes…
Tech support call.
Tech: Driver tech support. How may I serve you?
Driver: This My car doesn’t start.
T: I see. What is the car s brand name, model, manufacture year?
D: I Don t know. I bought it to get to the market, why would I give a damn
T: Alright, alright, relax. Let s try to fix it without this information (sigh). Is there any fuel in the tank?
D: Hmm Fuel, you say How would I know?
T: look at the control panel. Where does the arrow point, E or F ?
D: Where is the control panel?
T: It should be tight behind the steering wheel, if you are sitting in the driver s chair.
D: Ah! I see... There are a lot of arrows here, which one should I look at?
T: Look at the one which has E or F written near it. There might be a gas station drawn near it as well.
D: Ahhh! I see. The arrow points at zero.
T: What do you mean zero?
D: Yes! Right at zero. And there is also x1000 written near the arrow. Is that the model of the car? X-1000?
T: (a deep sigh while rolling his eyes). No, that’s not the fuel, that’s the tachometer. It is supposed to point at zero if the car is not started. The fuel indicator is usually to the left and smaller that the tachometer, and it should have E written upon it, then a semicircle, then F .
D: Ahhh. I see, I see! The arrow is between E and F
T: Excellent! Then we know at least that you have fuel. Now let’s check the battery. Do you see the steering wheel?
D: Yeah.
T: Press right in the middle of it
D: (A loud beep) Hey! Is it supposed to do that?
T: (rolls his eyes). Everything is all right, that s your honk. If it works, then the battery is fine. Now let s try to start the car.
D: Well, damn, I m telling you it doesn’t start. That s why I’m calling, moron.
T: (grits his teeth), Still, let s try again! Press the clutch pedal, press the brakes, and turn the key.
D: Hey-hey! From the beginning. Where is this catch pedal ?
T: CLUTCH under the steering wheel on the left. Did you find it?
D: Found it.
T: Press it down as far as it goes. Good. Now, do you see two pedals under the steering wheel to the right?
D: Yeah.
T: the one on the left is the brake. Press it. Did you?
D: Done.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: How would I do that, if I have both hands busy?
T: Excuse me?
D: I am pressing with the left hand on the catch, the right hand on the brake, how the hell am I supposed to turn the key?
T: (chokes from laughter). All right, let s try again, but this time, press the pedals with your feet.
D: Feet? Is that possible?
T: (still chokes from laughter). Yes, it is.
D: Let s try Hey, that s much easier Why didn’t t you tell me right away?.. (some fuss is heard). All right, I pressed it.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: Where is the ignition?
T: In the base of the steering wheel, to the right.
D: Hmmm. I have the hole, but there is no key there.
T: Well, put it in.
D: What?
T: (loses his patience) The ignition key!
D: How would I know which one is the ignition key?
T: (grabs his head) It is usually the biggest key in the bunch.
D: The bunch.
T: Yes, where you keep the rest of the keys.
D: Ahhh! Well, I lost it two days ago. So what, I need a key?
T: (throws down the receiver). Beeeeep
D: Hello???
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on October 04, 2012, 01:58:26 PM
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on October 04, 2012, 02:00:10 PM
Big People Words 
     
A  group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed  to Nursery.
The  biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 

'I  went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your  GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'


She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride  on a TRAIN.

You  must remember to use 'Big People' words'.


She then  asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said















'Winnie the SH*T'.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on April 10, 2013, 04:47:59 PM
Top 10 jokes.....Enjoy  :)


10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5 I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a sh*tzu.

1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day . . .
Post by: Panther on April 10, 2013, 04:58:42 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."