Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 79244 times)

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Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #165 on: March 09, 2010, 03:13:35 PM »
Australian Police Entrance Test
An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six
drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

 "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #166 on: March 13, 2010, 08:50:09 AM »
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.   
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.. 
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
 
   
The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #167 on: March 16, 2010, 12:11:25 PM »
All done with £100.00


It's a slow day in a little West Yorkshire town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the
motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today.
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #168 on: March 18, 2010, 07:47:34 AM »
Catholic school

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working . . .

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
 
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
 
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
 
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Apologies if this offends any Catholics though . . . Not harm meant.


"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #169 on: March 18, 2010, 07:51:11 AM »
A couple of good images . . .
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

StarshipUK

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #170 on: March 18, 2010, 01:10:34 PM »
An elderly Potato Farmer wrote to his only son, who had been recently sent away to prison.

"Dear Son,

You're a bad boy leaving your poor old Dad alone like this...It's St. Patrick's Day and time to get planting the taters! Who's going to spade up the field so I can plant the crop? Leprechauns? You know my poor old back isn't up to it...."

Two days later, the Potato Farmer received a reply:

"Dear Dad,

For HEAVEN's SAKE, don't dig up that tater field! That's where we buried the GUNS!!!"

The next morning, three truckloads of British soldiers arrived and proceeded to dig up the entire field. They dug for two days solid, but they didn't find any guns and eventually left. The Potato Farmer wrote to his son to tell him what happened and asked him what to do next. A couple of days later he received a reply.

"Dear Dad,

Your tater field is spaded! Plant the taters!"

Offline Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #171 on: March 18, 2010, 11:50:14 PM »
Couple of one liners....

Alcohol was my old man's answer to everything. He didn't drink - he was just useless at quizzes.

I always keep my eyes shut when sat on the train. I hate to see old ladies standing.


Offline billdooruk

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #172 on: March 22, 2010, 10:42:06 PM »
We've all heard of smart water....but what about dumb water  ???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN-PoetFwUg&NR=1

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #173 on: March 24, 2010, 01:20:01 PM »
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

 :P
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #174 on: April 07, 2010, 02:05:52 PM »
For all those people that hate the Go Compare adverts:

Go Compare meets Jimmy Carr
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #175 on: April 09, 2010, 10:08:58 AM »
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally
time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a
long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided
it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #176 on: May 04, 2010, 09:44:57 AM »
Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night,! He hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

;)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline woody.cool

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #177 on: May 04, 2010, 01:17:56 PM »
That's quite an old one tbh, but it's still funny regardless.
That joke always pops out near an election!

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #178 on: May 04, 2010, 01:51:16 PM »
Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

-----------

David Cameron lives in Notting Hill which causes him problems at the festival every year. There are so many band wagons he doesn’t know which one to jump on.

-----------

Who was the first Liberal Democrat?
Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left there not knowing where he’d been and did it all on borrowed money.
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Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #179 on: May 04, 2010, 01:54:07 PM »
When we were an empire we were ruled by an emperor, when we were a kingdom we were ruled by a king. Now we’re just a country we’re ruled by Gordon Brown
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