Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 78202 times)

Author Message

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

1200xl

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #210 on: September 20, 2010, 09:59:04 AM »
English  Signs from around the World


In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a   Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving  Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules  and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo  bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Offline Panther

  • Committee
  • Amiga 4000
  • *
  • Posts: 4180
  • Kudos 35
  • Gender: Male
  • Look at the size of my.......Paws
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #211 on: September 24, 2010, 11:14:06 AM »
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
 
 
 
Banned from the petting zoo.


Offline Andy

  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 2468
  • Kudos 17
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
    • Retro Computers
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #212 on: September 27, 2010, 04:05:38 PM »
If only, eh?


Offline AndyRCM

  • >=))))º> GO FEED THE FISH! <º((((=<
  • Administrator
  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 9675
  • Kudos 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Manic Jet Set Willy
    • View Profile
    • Retro Computer Museum
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #213 on: September 27, 2010, 04:09:23 PM »
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline billdooruk

  • Administrator
  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 2476
  • Kudos 26
  • Gender: Male
  • I could murder a curry
    • View Profile
    • Our site:-
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #214 on: October 05, 2010, 11:35:41 PM »

Offline PhoenixTLB

  • Cowabunga!
  • Moderator
  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 1712
  • Kudos 24
  • Gender: Male
  • There goes Bugaboo!
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #215 on: October 07, 2010, 05:49:58 PM »
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman working on building site. Every day they take lunch break together while sitting on a high scaffold.

One day Englishman says, "I'm fed up of the same boring sandwi...ches everyday. I'm going to tell my wife that if I don't have something different I will go mad." Scotsman says, "Me too. In fact, if I have the same old crap in my lunchbox tomorrow, I will jump off this scaffold. I've had enough." Englishman and Irishman agree and they make a pact.

Next day, Englishman and Scotsman look in their lunchboxes and Englishman has a nice salad and Scotsman has cous cous. Irishman opens his lunchbox, pulls out a limp-looking sandwich and promptly throws himself to his death.

At the funeral, his wife is inconsolable, and the other wives tell her about how their husbands came and explained their frustration. Irishman's wife says, "Oh, if only he had said something. Everything seemed normal; he just got up, made his lunch and went to work".
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline comicbooknerd

  • CPC 464
  • ***
  • Posts: 178
  • Kudos 8
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
    • My Youtube page
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #216 on: October 10, 2010, 07:06:29 PM »
Did I post the alzhemiers joke already?

Offline Andy

  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 2468
  • Kudos 17
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
    • Retro Computers
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #217 on: October 10, 2010, 09:53:44 PM »
Did I post the alzhemiers joke already?

Yeah, i think so. Or maybe not. I forget...

Offline Panther

  • Committee
  • Amiga 4000
  • *
  • Posts: 4180
  • Kudos 35
  • Gender: Male
  • Look at the size of my.......Paws
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #218 on: October 19, 2010, 09:05:34 AM »
Say it all really::
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won
the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well,he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's
the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting
out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but
7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life,
and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe
we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're
knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the
week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it
flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first
minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I
remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even
though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously
my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know
into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be
more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

Offline PhoenixTLB

  • Cowabunga!
  • Moderator
  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 1712
  • Kudos 24
  • Gender: Male
  • There goes Bugaboo!
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #219 on: October 27, 2010, 02:13:04 PM »
Geek test:
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline Scarlettkitten

  • Enjoy the silence
  • Administrator
  • Amiga 4000
  • ******
  • Posts: 2025
  • Kudos 31
  • Queen of the 3DO people
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #220 on: October 27, 2010, 02:24:08 PM »
Sorry but I failed that test ;D I just saw a bum.

1200xl

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #221 on: October 27, 2010, 04:02:36 PM »
nice arse, I can tell my wife that I am NOT a geek  ::)

Offline Panther

  • Committee
  • Amiga 4000
  • *
  • Posts: 4180
  • Kudos 35
  • Gender: Male
  • Look at the size of my.......Paws
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #222 on: November 05, 2010, 09:08:09 AM »
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgowcopper.  He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain he has a better education than any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
 
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
 
London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law.  License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference betweenslow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket.

 
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out ofthe lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?

Offline Panther

  • Committee
  • Amiga 4000
  • *
  • Posts: 4180
  • Kudos 35
  • Gender: Male
  • Look at the size of my.......Paws
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #223 on: November 05, 2010, 09:12:44 AM »
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
so he
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin,
the only
aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the
party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and
 flirting..

At the
height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft
man-eating
crocodile in my
pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to
jump in.'

The words
were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned
around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc.

He was
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.

The water
was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the
croc were
screaming and raising hell..

Finally
Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead
goldfish.










Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.


The host
says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all
right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.


The rich man
said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet.   How about half a
million bucks then?'

'No thanks.
I don't want it,' answered Colin.


The host
said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was
amazing.   How
about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said
"No."

Confused,
the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you
want?

Colin
said,



'I just want
the bastard who pushed me in.' !

Offline Panther

  • Committee
  • Amiga 4000
  • *
  • Posts: 4180
  • Kudos 35
  • Gender: Male
  • Look at the size of my.......Paws
    • View Profile
Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #224 on: November 05, 2010, 09:16:45 AM »
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning


My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, youwill understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.