Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 78208 times)

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Offline billdooruk

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #240 on: April 27, 2012, 07:19:53 AM »
As it's been a while since anyone posted in this.....

This is a Russian text with the title "what would have been if people drove the cars the way they work with computers". Sorry if there are translation mistakes…
Tech support call.
Tech: Driver tech support. How may I serve you?
Driver: This My car doesn’t start.
T: I see. What is the car s brand name, model, manufacture year?
D: I Don t know. I bought it to get to the market, why would I give a damn
T: Alright, alright, relax. Let s try to fix it without this information (sigh). Is there any fuel in the tank?
D: Hmm Fuel, you say How would I know?
T: look at the control panel. Where does the arrow point, E or F ?
D: Where is the control panel?
T: It should be tight behind the steering wheel, if you are sitting in the driver s chair.
D: Ah! I see... There are a lot of arrows here, which one should I look at?
T: Look at the one which has E or F written near it. There might be a gas station drawn near it as well.
D: Ahhh! I see. The arrow points at zero.
T: What do you mean zero?
D: Yes! Right at zero. And there is also x1000 written near the arrow. Is that the model of the car? X-1000?
T: (a deep sigh while rolling his eyes). No, that’s not the fuel, that’s the tachometer. It is supposed to point at zero if the car is not started. The fuel indicator is usually to the left and smaller that the tachometer, and it should have E written upon it, then a semicircle, then F .
D: Ahhh. I see, I see! The arrow is between E and F
T: Excellent! Then we know at least that you have fuel. Now let’s check the battery. Do you see the steering wheel?
D: Yeah.
T: Press right in the middle of it
D: (A loud beep) Hey! Is it supposed to do that?
T: (rolls his eyes). Everything is all right, that s your honk. If it works, then the battery is fine. Now let s try to start the car.
D: Well, damn, I m telling you it doesn’t start. That s why I’m calling, moron.
T: (grits his teeth), Still, let s try again! Press the clutch pedal, press the brakes, and turn the key.
D: Hey-hey! From the beginning. Where is this catch pedal ?
T: CLUTCH under the steering wheel on the left. Did you find it?
D: Found it.
T: Press it down as far as it goes. Good. Now, do you see two pedals under the steering wheel to the right?
D: Yeah.
T: the one on the left is the brake. Press it. Did you?
D: Done.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: How would I do that, if I have both hands busy?
T: Excuse me?
D: I am pressing with the left hand on the catch, the right hand on the brake, how the hell am I supposed to turn the key?
T: (chokes from laughter). All right, let s try again, but this time, press the pedals with your feet.
D: Feet? Is that possible?
T: (still chokes from laughter). Yes, it is.
D: Let s try Hey, that s much easier Why didn’t t you tell me right away?.. (some fuss is heard). All right, I pressed it.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: Where is the ignition?
T: In the base of the steering wheel, to the right.
D: Hmmm. I have the hole, but there is no key there.
T: Well, put it in.
D: What?
T: (loses his patience) The ignition key!
D: How would I know which one is the ignition key?
T: (grabs his head) It is usually the biggest key in the bunch.
D: The bunch.
T: Yes, where you keep the rest of the keys.
D: Ahhh! Well, I lost it two days ago. So what, I need a key?
T: (throws down the receiver). Beeeeep
D: Hello???

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #241 on: October 04, 2012, 01:58:26 PM »
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”.

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #242 on: October 04, 2012, 02:00:10 PM »
Big People Words 
     
A  group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed  to Nursery.
The  biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 

'I  went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your  GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'


She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride  on a TRAIN.

You  must remember to use 'Big People' words'.


She then  asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said















'Winnie the SH*T'.

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #243 on: April 10, 2013, 04:47:59 PM »
Top 10 jokes.....Enjoy  :)


10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5 I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a sh*tzu.

1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #244 on: April 10, 2013, 04:58:42 PM »
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."