Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 79249 times)

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Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #180 on: May 14, 2010, 08:10:53 AM »
*Subject: Trafalgar revisited*
 
The Battle of Trafalgar, 2010:
 
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
 
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
 
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious, persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
 
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
 
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
 
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
 
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.......full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
 
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
 
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
 
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet Regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
 
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
 
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
 
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
 
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
 
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
 
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
 
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
 
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
 
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on Disciplinary Report."
 
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now please put on your Kevlar vest; it's the Rules. It could save your life"
 
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
 
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
 
Nelson: "In that case................. kiss me, Hardy."
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #181 on: May 25, 2010, 08:11:12 AM »
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #182 on: May 26, 2010, 01:20:11 PM »
Next time it rains heavy and your driving, pray this doesn't happen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PhQ5gkNiqI&feature=player_embedded
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Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #183 on: May 26, 2010, 01:29:43 PM »
Holy shit! WTF???

A
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #184 on: May 26, 2010, 02:10:20 PM »

1200xl

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #185 on: May 26, 2010, 03:00:47 PM »

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #186 on: May 26, 2010, 03:14:33 PM »
I see on the news today that the lorry driver got to keep his license due to the fact 'he couldn't see or hear' the car in front of him!  :o
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1200xl

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #187 on: May 26, 2010, 10:59:40 PM »
I see on the news today that the lorry driver got to keep his license due to the fact 'he couldn't see or hear' the car in front of him!  :o
I heard that too, that's why I searched for the video.
So if I drive without looking, turn my stereo up I can get away with anything ::)

Offline Womble

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #188 on: May 27, 2010, 04:58:54 AM »
Audio rather unsuitable for kids, headphones required if at work too m'f*cker!!

Everyday Normal Guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw

but wait.... theres more...

He's back... and he's mildly upset!!

Everyday Normal Guy #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmG4X9PGOXs
Sic Transit Gloria Atari

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #189 on: May 27, 2010, 01:23:53 PM »
Audio rather unsuitable for kids, headphones required if at work too m'f*cker!!

Everyday Normal Guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw

but wait.... theres more...

He's back... and he's mildly upset!!

Everyday Normal Guy #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmG4X9PGOXs

Excellent....he's as entertaining as an S.T.D.  ;D

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #190 on: June 25, 2010, 08:02:26 AM »
DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Lincolnshire.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer Peter replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Lincolnshire.  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.  I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. 
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.' 

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up.  You can have the duck.'
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Offline muguk

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #191 on: June 25, 2010, 12:41:27 PM »
Got bombarded last night with jokes on my phone and passed on a few of them, but this was the (cleanest) and most apt for the forum :)

"I was watching TV last night with the missus when that bloke who runs Apple turned up, looked around and took all our cans of Mr Sheen.

Bloody Jobs, coming over here and taking all of our polish." :)


1200xl

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #192 on: June 25, 2010, 12:59:47 PM »
lol ^^

Offline Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #193 on: June 25, 2010, 02:11:35 PM »
 ;D

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #194 on: June 29, 2010, 08:09:34 AM »
Irish interview technique
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in  Dublin .  A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." 
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being  Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." 
Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'  You put down, ‘Neither do I’.
 
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob