Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 79254 times)

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Offline woody.cool

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #195 on: June 30, 2010, 03:21:34 PM »
Irish interview technique
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in  Dublin .  A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." 
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being  Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." 
Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'  You put down, ‘Neither do I’.
 
;D

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #196 on: July 01, 2010, 12:56:00 PM »
Fabio Capello has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try to cheer the fans up.

If we beat them, we go on to play Tesco's, Asda and then Sainsburys. ;0)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #197 on: July 07, 2010, 03:49:45 PM »
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #198 on: July 19, 2010, 01:39:21 PM »
Not really a joke of the day but something piss funny nonetheless . . . some lines from 'allo 'allo by Officer Crabtree . . .

Officer Crabtree: Dearly belivid. We are gathered here todoo to join this min and this woman in holy mitrimony.

Officer Crabtree: We will goo oot the bock wee.

Officer Crabtree: This is rosky in day light. Can you not wait until it is dick?

Officer Crabtree: Then they will be taken to the arbour where a small boot will be waiting by the dis-used dick.

Officer Crabtree: A pissy up a tree?

Officer Crabtree: Do not wirry, Ronnie...

Officer Crabtree: I'm half Itolioen. I'm from Niples.

Officer Crabtree: See Niples and do.

;)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #199 on: July 27, 2010, 08:13:23 AM »
One borrowed from CombatKing . . .

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all in a bar when they spot a poster for a fancy dress charity party. After much discussion, they decide to go as classical composers.
Stallone declares "I'll go as Mozart."
Van Damme explains "I know a guy with a Beethoven costume - I'll borrow it."
Finally Schwarzenegger reveals "I'll be Bach."

doh! ;)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #200 on: August 13, 2010, 11:33:28 PM »
One for the web developers...

How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb, lightbulb, light, bulb, lamp, lighting, switch, sex, xxx, hardcore?

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #201 on: August 16, 2010, 09:39:05 AM »
An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
 
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T.' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a football term.

A
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline Phu

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #202 on: August 16, 2010, 08:08:23 PM »
Two false etymologies in as many days....

Sorry to burst your bubble there Andy, but wikipedia disagrees, with credible alternatives:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit#Etymology

I was also told recently (indirectly from an episode of Countdown, no less) that a certain word is an acronym for "Fornicating Under Command of the King".

Wikipedia again comes up trumps:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/f$%!#Etymology

Also, GOLF did not originate from "Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden" and POSH does not come from "Port Out, Starboard Home".

Quite a few of these are floating around the net, most of which seem to have come about in the 20th century... several hundreds of years after the words themselves ;)

-- Richard

* Uh yeah... you may need to correct the forum's swear filter in those URLs ;)
8 End of File, RCM:1

1200xl

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #203 on: August 18, 2010, 11:17:02 AM »
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #204 on: August 23, 2010, 04:28:41 PM »
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show . . .
. . .that Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

OMFG! ;)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #205 on: August 24, 2010, 12:05:11 PM »
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #206 on: August 24, 2010, 01:09:15 PM »
Duff walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.

He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Duff hands over the keys and documents of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Duff for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.

The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, Duff returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.

The bank officer says to Duff , "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled... while you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Duff replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return!”

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman... This is why they survive!
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Offline billdooruk

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #207 on: September 14, 2010, 01:06:01 AM »
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here is your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says.
"Dat's easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough." says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.
"Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree...
"Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So it's dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to have to hire Paddy , so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
"Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt.
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog came along and pooped by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #208 on: September 14, 2010, 09:21:44 AM »
Whilst watching the world cup, i was always shouting things like,

'Rooney, you fat git - You couldn't score in a brothel'

Just how stupid do i feel now  ;)

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #209 on: September 17, 2010, 08:13:16 AM »
The Jewish Samurai
 
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new
chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the
entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
 
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very
demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and
a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese
samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh!
went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor
then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come
in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese
samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into
four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
 
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish
Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing
sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying
around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious,
but why is that gnat not dead?"
 
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not
meant to kill."
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob