Topic: Joke of the Day . . .  (Read 78211 times)

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Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #225 on: November 05, 2010, 09:17:21 AM »
A Mother and Son in the bath when suddenly the son says whats that hairy thing under the water mam , she turns to her son and says its a sponge sweetheart , the son looks up and says mam the nanny as one aswell as i saw her washing daddys face with it last week ......

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #226 on: November 08, 2010, 08:50:09 AM »
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 
  "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
 
  Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
 
  Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
  Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 
  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 
  Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
  bloody thing up.
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 
  Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
  contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
  "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
  "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
 
 
  Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
  avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 
  A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
 
  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 
  Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
  about!"
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
  An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
 
  His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
 
  He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
  "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
  "Here boy" he replies.
 
  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
  Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
  feet.
 
  "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
 
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
 
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".
 
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 
To which the Irishman replies:  "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat.
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #227 on: January 05, 2011, 09:48:05 AM »
How many sluts live in a convent?

Nun!  ;D
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Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #228 on: January 14, 2011, 11:01:33 AM »
Did someone mention the Cricket ??

Why is there a wine glut in Australia?  Because we don't have any openers.   
                       
What do you call an Australian that can handle a bat?   A Vet.

WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?  A laughing  stock.       
                   
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?  A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?  Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.''  Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

What's the height of optimism?  An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?  To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.  His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?  Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
 
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. 

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?  The entire Australian innings. 

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without even trying.
 
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?  A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?  A vacant lot. 

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?  They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #229 on: January 25, 2011, 09:58:07 AM »
The insurance side of sex.......

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with long-term partner- Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary- Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone- Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer- Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry- Insure & Go.

Casual sex with different partners- Go Compare.

Sex with a ladyboy- Confused.com!
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Offline combatking0

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #230 on: January 25, 2011, 12:56:02 PM »
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the barman says:

"Weren't you in here just a few minutes ago?"

To which Parker replies:

"Nay."
Retroman!

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #231 on: February 22, 2011, 02:18:32 PM »
SEX STARVED

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
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Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #232 on: February 22, 2011, 02:24:38 PM »
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #233 on: March 29, 2011, 08:54:19 AM »
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #234 on: April 18, 2011, 11:44:05 AM »
I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over the microphone cable and yelled "F-ck Me"...... What happened next will haunt me forever.
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Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #235 on: April 18, 2011, 03:55:20 PM »
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”
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Offline Womble

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #236 on: May 02, 2011, 12:58:53 PM »
Elton John confirmed to sing at Osama's funeral, he will be singing "Sandals In The Bin"
Sic Transit Gloria Atari

Offline Panther

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #237 on: June 09, 2011, 12:01:20 AM »
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick, Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great
I be at work soon ....... You got nice house."

Offline Scarlettkitten

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #238 on: July 24, 2011, 12:21:55 AM »
i was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my gf moved backwards then forwards, backwards then forwards, back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush. she started to grunt and groan...then she let out an almighty scream !!!!!...........
.....
.....
you park the feckin car then ya smug bas***d !!!!

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Joke of the Day . . .
« Reply #239 on: October 12, 2011, 08:58:34 AM »
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to release some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

:p)
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam