Topic: Crap Jokes . . .  (Read 6018 times)

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Offline AndyRCM

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Crap Jokes . . .
« on: July 10, 2008, 01:39:06 PM »
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman says "Get out, your bard!"

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "We've got a whiskey named after you", the horse says "What, Eric?"

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they proceed to get plastered, the man goes to walk out, the barman says "You can't leave that lying there", the man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

What is black, white and red all over . . . a sunburnt penguin or a stabbed penguin!!!!

What do you call a dear with no eyes?     No Idea!

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?     Still No Idea!

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs and no ears?      Anything you want!

Cheesey or what?

Andy
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2008, 01:54:01 PM »
Ok a long one to start with:

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline PhoenixTLB

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2008, 02:22:30 PM »
From a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Be sure to pray at the Shrine of Bub & Bob

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2008, 02:31:11 PM »
Can I just point out that if anybody finds any of these offensive in any way - please let me know asap - we will remove them immediately. This goes for ANY post anywhere in these forums . . .

Regards
Andy
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2008, 05:32:19 PM »
Another one . . . not necessarily . . .

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
 
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.
 
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
 
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
 
She hears the little boy continue,
 
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
 
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
 
For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

Andy
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline AndyRCM

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2008, 02:25:18 PM »
What is red, white and black all over?

Either a sunburnt penguin or a stabbed penguin?

Andy
"I could see the faces of those who led pissing themselves laughing" - Funeral Pyre by The Jam

Offline combatking0

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2008, 01:14:21 PM »
How do you defuse a bomb made of milk?

Nobody knows, but if you put it in the fridge it won't go off for a few days.
Retroman!

Offline combatking0

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2008, 08:50:18 PM »
Did you hear about the gardener who protected his lettuces from slugs?

He was charged with a salt.
Retroman!

Offline combatking0

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2008, 03:17:04 PM »
Which monster always asks for directions?

A where wolf.
Retroman!

Offline Andy

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2008, 04:48:40 PM »
Did you hear about the man with no arms who entered a W@nk**g contest?

He came last...

Offline jimbob005

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Re: Crap Jokes . . .
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2008, 05:35:52 PM »
Husband & wife
shopping in tesco.
Husband puts 18 cans of stella in the trolley, The wife takes them out saying "They cost £10, they are two expensive"
Further down the aisle she puts a £20 jar of face cream in he trolley. He says"Hold on a minute thats expensive"
She says "But it makes me look so beautiful"
He says .. "So dose 18 cans of stella but at half the PRICE"
 
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